Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
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besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
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He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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