and you said cock pushups were impossible
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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