Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
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Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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