k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize