omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
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Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
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If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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