I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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