just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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