Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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