I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
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Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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