Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
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I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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