I met the friendliest cop last night
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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