Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
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I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
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you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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