mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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