I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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