Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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