Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
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Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
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I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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