how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
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I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
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You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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