FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
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There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
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I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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