my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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