you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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