theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
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I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
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I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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