Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
COCAINE IS GR8
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I deserve this hangover.
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