I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
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So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
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Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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