you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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