Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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