I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
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i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
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This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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