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Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
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