I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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