i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize