I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize