Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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