She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
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This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
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i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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