I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
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So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
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My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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