My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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