Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
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I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
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I feel like a drive thru vagina
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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