I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
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she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
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Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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