mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
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We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
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