Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
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It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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