I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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