I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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