The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
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I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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