make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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