A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
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SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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