Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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