Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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