The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
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She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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