if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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