dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
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At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
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We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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