my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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