Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
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After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
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I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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